Sidetrackedery

ferdinandthebull
When I was 5 or so my mom would tell me to lie down before she tied my tie and I just now realized at the age of 19 that she did this because she's a funeral director.

Alexandra
As you were breaking up with me, all I could think about were those mornings when you compared the Pop-Tarts and gave me the one with more frosting.

petalthrow
One night on ecstasy, I stopped a fight between two drag queens in the ladies restroom and then I made them give each other a hug.

Reno Reading
My 8-year-old sister proudly declared that she knows that "WTF" means "Wow, That's Funny" and has been using it all over the internet.

Ashamed
My atheist neighbor has helped more people in the past year than my entire congregation has in the past ten.

lines
Today you shaved your hair into a mohawk to make my mom laugh over losing hers to chemo and today I realized that you are my hero.

Five Hours
After calculating that I wasted 6500 hours in church the first 25 years of my life, I vowed to spend 6500 hours doing volunteer work that would actually make a difference in the world.

Beth
Instead of him they sent back a folded flag, and when I was alone I tore it to pieces.

Probably Not Okay
My online dating service matched me with my cousin.

Finster
My friend Bob loved his vinyl records so much that he used to obsess about which ones to save if his house caught fire but when it actually happened he chose his girlfriend instead.

Erik Wennstrom
It was one of those exams that you absolutely must pass if you want to continue in the program, and I failed the set-your-alarm-clock-properly portion.

Heather Rose
As I woke up from my nap to find written on my feet "This is my momma and you can't have her," I realized that my child is very, very strange.

Tom
From the moment her arms wrapped around my chest and her head found its place against my shoulder, I knew beyond a doubt that I would never think of five feet as too short ever again.

Jabberwocky
I know 18 digits of pi and can recite the quadratic equation, but I still need to make an L with my hand to find out where left is.

the bible belt
Supporting gay rights does not make me a lesbian any more than supporting the civil rights movement made my mother black, you idiot.

Anonymous
I couldn't bear to tell the girl I loved that I was only dreaming and that she was merely a figment of my imagination, so I kissed her, and as the world lost its color, I slowly woke up.

Sorcha
When the strange man wouldn't quit staring at me while I nursed my baby, I finally lost it and asked him if he wanted some for his coffee.

Ryan
Three years into my English major, I finally ran out of BS.

Kris
I married my husband on our first date, but it has taken me more than 5 years to decide what colour to paint our dining room.

Shane
I was nearly sent to the hospital because I could not convince the school nurse that my head had always been this shape.

Johnny Luddite
As the porter wheeling my gurney down to the operating room took a corner too tightly, crashing my arm into the wall, I reflected that my last utterance on this earth might well be a profanity.

..
I never thought at 24 I'd have to move 3000 miles, share an air mattress with my brother, have my car repossessed, and have to file for bankruptcy because my husband decided suicide sounded like a better option than getting professional help.

Lona
The $1 store swiss rolls I bought to console myself were better than all the expensive chocolates I received when we were together.

Sean L.
I found out today from my neurologist that my heavy marijuana smoking actually improved my brain-wave activity and functionality and my IQ rose 20 points, so I smoked a joint in celebration and finished my calculus homework.

annoyed
I think what bothers me the most is that my mother pretends not to understand why I will never leave my children alone at their house.

countedx58
How fitting it was that my best friend's abusive husband died a painful death from melanoma of the rectum.

bad best friend
The day I got fed up with her daily suicide threats and didn't call to make sure she was okay was the day she was found dead.

AMCN
I just realized after looking at the photos in the "sold" listing of my foreclosed home, I forgot my soap dispenser in the bathroom when I moved out.

I'll get right on it
At the age of 17, a trainee religion teacher told me, an unbaptized athiest, that I wouldn't be given an apple at break if I continued to refuse to write a letter to God.

vix
One time, when I was four, I stood between the electronic doors at the supermarket waving goodbye to all the departing shoppers when suddenly one of the doors closed on my wrist.

Dave Walls
I vowed today not to laugh at someone's funny name while working, then I was introduced to a older woman named "Gay Usher".

Sheryl
When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, "The person I hoped I'd be by this point in my life."

JayOutEast
I spent five days getting there only to realise it was the jouney I should have been paying attention to.

Erik Wennstrom
After several minutes of poking and prodding, the dentist put down his tools, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You're going to be putting my daughter through college."

Rob
I once drove many a mile to visit the Land of Little Horses and, indeed, they were quite wee.


Matt
A couple in their seventies sat behind me in Clerks II and exclaimed, "That was a great movie!"

Kris
I collected paper towel rolls for weeks, gave them to a group of kids and they created a human marble maze.Elaine A

I went to a Bell Biv DeVoe concert on the night of my senior prom and ended up at a burger joint eating chilli cheese fries alone in the most puffiest of dresses.

More to come, as after I went through the most popular, I went into the archives.